‘Day ##. Hi, my name is Andy! Welcome to my supertastic new life! Man, I’m super-stoked to be here – check me out! My pad in Bali is right on the ‘kn beach man! Well compared to where I come from – Kansas ain’t got no coastline man! So we jump on these crazy little mopeds and we’re there before you can say ‘There’s no place like home’ – cos who wants to be home when you can be anywhere else?! Here’s a superfun selfie of me at the beach bar hangin’ with all the cool dudes who’ve taken the leap of faith and kissed goodbye to college and home and booorreedom!Man it’s so supergreat to be me right now – and check out the chicks! Hooters on scooters, babes in (my) arms, girls who love slammin’ tequilas with guys like me and Dick before they just start slammin’ some dick!! Y’know it’s so hot here I gotta wear nuthin’ but my shorts – so get your shades on cos’ this 6-pack is roasting’!!! Reminds me, gotta get me some routines on the machines, this internal belly armour doesn’t just grow itself!! Hey, I’m GIVIN’ away my supercool ‘6 tricks to create the Myth’ download for you girls goin’ green out there – comes as a side when you sign up for my ’12 Tips on How to Make Money Doing Absolutely NOTHING’!!! Laters…….’
Back in his room. ‘Dick, bro, we gonna hitch up the reindeers, go one and one and pop the foo-foo dust? I’m kinda still blitzed from last night and I gotta do a call with some middle-class middle-aged desperado candy dame in freakin’ England who’s just started writing her shit in a blog. These suckers man, stuck with their balding husbands and screwed up kids and their dogs, dreaming of doing it differently. I love the internet!!! Oh yeah, bring it to poppa, sad-eyed lady. I see YOU comin’!’ Andy wipes his nose with the back of his hand, spits on a cockroach on the floor before squishing it with his jandal.
15 minutes later, Andy straddling a plastic chair, headset strapped on, laptop on the dirty bedcover beside the chair. ‘Shit man, pass me that Mac Dick, I’m so hungry I could eat my own flesh – if I had any spare.’ Andy strikes a few poses with the internal body armour and kisses his biceps. ‘Hi, hi Caroline good to talk to you. How you doing?’ He winks across at Dick who is stretched out on his own dirty bedcover hands behind his head. He mouths ‘blah blah’. Then Andy disappears into the zone, he knows the script, he knows how to adapt it to Caroline’s questions, he feels into her yearning, her hunger, her need for recognition. It’s foreplay, the kind he’s good at, he spins the fantasy of the lifestyle and the easy reward for the long-awaited escape, he extends into her happy place of wish fulfillment, without telling her anything of any use whatsoever, she is done, cos all she needed was a promise from an all American man with a 6-pack, real or imagined. She can now return to her small corner on the landing under the eaves where her husband installed a wee compact cardboard desk, purchased from Ikea, that attaches to the wall, utilising the otherwise wasted space. She hung her crystals and it became her ‘dream-weaving’ space.’ Her and her laptop. ‘So thanks Caroline, you check it out m’am, I can guarantee you I CAN help you on your journey! Have a great day!’ Andy flung his headset on the bed, his feet following suit.
‘Shit, she loved it man.’
‘But did she BUY it it dude?’ asked Dick rubbing the stuff from his nose.
‘Well, not yet man, but I’ll get the next wanna-biatch!’
‘Dude, you got no moral compass whatsoever!!’ Dick jumps high and slam-dunks a hi-five on Andy’s raised palm. ‘Love your work!! Hey, what say you we cruise to the 5-stars tonight, find us some eat-love-pray and eat-love-prey us some quality fur pie?’
‘I could be so moved brother……what say I just me get to that laundromat and pick up my pick up shirt! I only got the one man, backpack don’t take too much fancy shit. Essentials only man, y’know?’ Andy turns over his crumpled belongings on the bed and throws a condom at his companion, grabs his wallet and passport and takes the step to the door. As he exits, he turns to Dick and shakes his head with a glazed expression in his eyes.
‘Livin’ the dream man, livin’ the dream.’